When I was born, my family assisted in buying blue things for me, not pink. Blankets, stuffed youd, a dream catcher, not blue. I hated the color blue because it was not the color for me, and they reserved the pink stuff for my younger sister.
I never found myself to fit in with other girls at my age, only the boys at school and the YMCA accepted me. Most of the classrooms I’ve been to never had any lady students in them. I felt isolated, very isolated.
I was then accepted by a friend group with a girl who also had male interests. She thought of me as a stranger at first, but then she accepted me. From third to fifth grade we participated in Warrior Cats and Undertale roleplays, talked on Scratch, and shared OC lore. It wasn’t until
middle school when I was pulled from her reach. I never saw her again in person until my 14th birthday.
I’m 2016 I was accepted to another friend group, all boys. It was when I met my first boyfriend, he was a young black man with a cool afro, and he was overall flawless with the exception of some ache on his face. We talked about FNAF, Creepypasta, and Zootopia a lot. When he graduated and I became an outcast and his friends decided to turn on me. They said they’d dress up for school on Halloween, but they didn’t. I was ha odd one out dressed as Natalie Clockwork.
2018 came and went and I seemed for male invalidation on Discord. I sold my body in favor of their love and my mom blamed everything that had happened there in me. I was groomed and she mocked me for. For a woman who claims to love me back, she is very ignorant. No wonder why she always sided with my young sister. I was alone, used. I wanted to be loved by a group I thought would be the best for me, but things would take for the worst the next year.
It was after Google+ shut down, I had a history of getting my bullied and canceled there by a mainly female group, it boosted my hatred to that certain group and little 15 year old me continued to seek for male validation. I joined a Discord server based off an SCP meme account and I was instantly bullied by one of the admins from the meme account. I was so traumatized.
When I left the server for a few months and came back in 2020, they said I changed, I didn’t change, you just don’t want to acknowledge the pain and hurt you caused for me. You should feel guilty.
In 2020 I questioned my own identity, I felt like I wasn’t happy being a woman, but I loved the things that made me a woman to begin with, so I became a man. My mother did not take this kindly and refused to believe everything I had said to her. She is a villain in her own story and it shows.
It’s 2025 and I have decided to go by any pronouns even though I was grown to like being a trans man, but I still am not accepted for my identity. I am alone, but I have found value in my identity. I am literally the embodiment of those hated child Gacha characters, but with a queer twist to it. I will continue to update every on on this decade long journey of finding acceptance. Until now, peace.
